It's easier said before you actually go through the traumatic abuse.
Those questions/statements may have popped in your head when you heard someone had gone through or is going through an abusive relationship. I know it did for me until 2 years ago. What most don't understand, it's harder to leave than you think. It's also a longer healing process when you were in that type of environment for so long. You become consumed with the toxins that evolved over time in the relationship, where you become confused and shocked. It's almost like you try to lie to yourself believing there is more good than the bad. You become manipulated into thinking they'll change for the better or make excuses for him to make you believe it'll get better. Truth is, it doesn't. It gets more intense. The shocking part is when you start off as friends not thinking they could turn into such a monster. You want to believe they're a good person. You want to believe it was a one-time thing. You want to believe that the things people warned you about were not true.
You want to believe they can change, but the truth is, you can't change a man who see's no wrong in him.
So when you wonder why one hasn't left ...truth is, there really isn’t a grand explanation for the outsiders to understand. When you wonder why one couldn't find the courage to tell anyone, including their family, it's the feelings of embarrassment, fear, confusion and what was thought to be love. Just know that although you tell someone to leave, they just can’t leave. One has to be able to find the courage within them to leave and push aside their fears and confusion, and know that it is ok to walk away.
If you’re reading this and have gone through or are going through a similar situation, I know how you're feeling and what might be going on in your head. If someone had told me before that everything would be ok and just reminded me that I am strong, I was raised a fighter, and that it is clear God did not want me for this man…I would have left a long time. I was blinded. I was hard headed. I was stubborn. I moved to a city with no family or friends and only had him. I was hiding how miserable I was, for the sake of my family, friends, him, and his family. I didn’t have the strength or courage to leave yet. I didn’t have the strength to admit he was that type of person. So I know why you may have felt embarrassed, fearful, and confused.
o Embarrassed because before things escalated into a serious relationship, you were told from different people to be careful. You were shared similar experiences from people you didn't really know, for what you thought at the time, were just lies. You become embarrassed for leaving your hometown to a new city to be with this man. You become embarrassed because you chose to be with this person.
o Feared what people would say and do. Not only did you fear your abuser, you feared what people would say after you told them he/she hit you. You feared your family and friends would hate him where you wouldn’t have been able to go out as a couple or attend family gatherings. You feared the things that would be said to you and about you. You feared what would happen when you got home after being told you "embarrassed" him. You were fearful when your closest guy friends would check in with you, with fear of him being jealous. You were fearful to what was shared on social media, showcasing everything is ok when in reality you were hurting.
o Confused because you think back about what you were told and warned about, the warning signs…then the things he would say that you once believed were true. You became confused whether you want to leave or prove to him that despite the downfalls, you were still there. You became confused wondering where your strength and independence went. You became confused in wondering how you lost yourself. You thought you loved him where you didn't want your family and friends to think otherwise. You thought you loved him by protecting his image from other people. You thought you loved him you to try to fight and fix a relationship he already broke. You were confused to what was being said by him vs. what was being showed.
There may be a time you consider giving him another chance because he may have told you he changed, or that he is “now the man he needs to be”…but truth is, unless he sought for help, things didn’t change. Know that love is not supposed to be manipulated or hurt physically and mentally. Know that it is ok to walk away. Know that you are strong. Know that you are courageous. Know you are empowered to be independent. Know that you are not stupid for giving him a chance even if people told you otherwise. Know you are worthy. Know you are not alone. Know that your family and friends love and support you. Know that you will be ok. Know that it is ok to seek help after the traumatic event. Know that the traumatic event may turn into an inspiring story where you could help others. Know that it is ok to cry. Know that it is ok to share your experience because you never know whom you could inspire. Know that you are not controlled anymore. Know that your happiness and independence is no longer controlled or manipulated. Know that it was never about who was right or wrong. Know that you got away. Know that God has a plan for you. Know that God has someone for you and meant for you.
You can either continue to live in fear or live in happiness.
You have a choice.